Robin A. asks,My friend Jenn (Day 10) asked you a question and your answer was so dead-on, that I became intrigued. So, my question is, (and I realize that everyone probably emails you on this topic!) I just came out of a relationship and want to make sure I am doing the right thing by leaving. Thanks!
Hi Robin. Fear totally sabotaged this relationship. I feel your frustration (literally, I’m an empath.)
I gotta tell you, I'm having a hard time reading the energy on your ex as to whether it's a he or a she. Actually, it feels to me like a she with more male energy. To be clear peeps, I never assume straight or gay but I can say male or female energy. Your ex leans more toward male (but that's how I come up in readings so it could be a female with more male energy.) I'm definitely getting crossed signals which means it's either a feminine man but my inclination is more to say a masculine woman. In the case that it is the former, I don't want to throw you off , so for that reason I will write the pronoun as s(he.)
Ok Robin, so the energy I'm picking up from your ex if I'm being honest, feels very selfish and closed. THEY say, "Decision after hurt." In other words (s)he makes a decision after being hurt, which is why walls never came down, despite your intense efforts. At some point, before meeting you and because of a previous relationship, (s)he decides, "I will never feel that pain again" and the walls go up. The danger in this kind of (immature) decision is that love and fear cannot ever exist in the same place, so in making this kind of a decision, choosing fear, (s)he is deciding to never have love. That would be fine if (s)he stayed alone for life, but selfish happens when s(he) enters a love relationship with someone, in this case you. This is why I say fear sabotaged this relationship (and will continue to for as long as s(he) chooses fear.) There was nothing more you could do. Whenever love started to remotely seep in, and feel good, (s)he felt threatened and would by any means necessary push you away.
What does this look like? Hot Cold Hot Cold Hot Cold, rude, snippy, inconsiderate, seeming annoyed at you for just breathing, put downs instead of compliments, shutting you down whenever you brought anything up and ultimately you feeling like everyone else matters but you. Being irrationally angry at you because s(he) felt vulnerable to you so you became a threat. Then there is the double standard, s(he) could do stuff and you needed to accommodate, but if you did the same you were wrong. This comes from insecurity. Even if you weren't wrong in a sitch, you were manipulated into feeling like you were. See when a selfish (and insecure) person screws up, because they are selfish, they don't want to own their shit so they find something that they can say that "you did." This diverts the attention onto you and makes you feel like you are wrong for something (even if your not) which takes the focus off of them. This sucks for you and after a while you have to walk away because you realize (possibly because you get healthier romantic attention from someone else) that you can't allow yourself to be dishonored.
Now there is that super sweet side that (s)he'd show you every now and again which messes with you because you loved this side so you keep hoping that maybe (s)he will come around this time, and maybe (s)he will drop the walls if I just stick it out. I suppose anything is possible, but truth be told it wasn't going to happen so I do agree that you needed to walk away when you did. It was starting to drain your spirit big time. Now I'm not saying that you are perfect and you are two very different people but I gotta tell you, you were a pretty damn good girlfriend and you definitely weren't always wrong like s(he) had a tendency of making you feel. In other words, just because you have a different style of doing stuff doesn't make you wrong. Honestly that's totally self-centered on their part to always assume you are wrong simply because you don't agree. I'm not saying you didn't screw up from time to time, we all do, but what I want you to take away from this is that just because someone yells louder or over talks you with condescent doesn't make you wrong, it makes you bullied.
This pattern by the way comes from somewhere in your childhood with an authority figure and alcohol may have been involved which is why they were so volatile. As a kid though, all you knew was that you never measured up, so you never felt good enough and were constantly trying to prove that you were until you finally gave up (teenage years.) The cycle begins.
So where are you "going wrong?" It's in who you are choosing. You are a very giving and loving individual (sometimes to a fault) However, you seem to choose people who are insecure, selfish and unhappy with themselves so they find fault in you. You see the signs early on and ignore them because you get on this mission to prove your worth to them and ultimately when you realize you can't, you walk away, that's your cycle. You will break it this time because you are sick and tired of the same thing happening over and over again. I feel like there may already be a new somebody you are interested in and if not, they are right around the corner. Should you choose them, they will treat you well, with love and respect and you will finally have the "we" relationship that your ex (as a form of control) didn't allow you to have.
As for your ex, this maybe exactly the wake up call (s)he needed. (S)he will be back around to try to get you back as s(he) has now realized everything you are and everything s(he) lost. Ok so just keep this in mind when (s)he resurfaces. A very good gauge is does (s)he say, "I'm sorry," with no "buts" attached or does the blame game ensue again because (s)he can't ever just be the one who is wrong. I am saying this because you definitely have a weak spot and when it was good, it was really good.
Ultimately, it is your choice as to whether you go back or not. People can genuinely change, but just make sure you are not skewing your own vision to avoid pain. "I'm sorry," has to be followed by action, consistent changed action. Now, I gotta say that your pride and your hardcore "zero tolerance policy" for giving someone a second chance is pretty strong (wouldn't be surprised if you were a leo)and in this case this will work in your favor because you definitely need to protect your heart and make sure you aren't being manipulated.
So did you need to walk away? Yes, always remove yourself from a toxic sitch. Will it be permanent? Entirely up to you as you will have a choice between the new and the old one. Take your time and choose for you, you owe your ex nothing, s(h) had you and blew that privilede. Whatever you do choose though Robin, and listen up here peeps, especially those of you who are in weighted, fear ridden relationships. Please honor you and don't let anyone bully or treat you less than you treat them because of their fear and insecurity. Remember that you deserve to be loved completely for exactly who you are, not for what someone thinks you should be and if someone doesn't give you that, (s)he is definitely not worthy of you. Great luck!
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