21 ANSWERS - DAY 3

Tony H. of Chicago IL. USA asks

Hi Gemma!  It was such a pleasure meeting you, and being read by you in October! My question:  I'm going through a divorce.  Any insights on how you see this playing out?  In particular, I am concerned about my kids. We have a 4.5 yr old daughter and a 7 month old son.  My pending ex and her family aren't doing the best job of facilitating co-parenting, and my daughter, "A" is having a really difficult time with mommy and daddy not living together anymore.  Thanks for all you are.

Hey there Tony, good to hear from you again.  Sorry to hear of your circumstances.  Ok, well it's interesting because I'm sort of arguing with THEM, as I do, because I don't want to give you false hopes.  That being said, it feels like you almost go through with the divorce, like get to the very end of the process but then she has a change of heart.  Now I gotta say to you emphatically that I am not saying to sit around and wait for her.  Please keep it movin forward and keep "doing you."  This is imperitive.

I need to take a moment here peeps to interrupt and say...Psychics should never be the final say... YOU always need to make YOUR own choices and decisions and please don't ever rely on anyone (including a psychic) to take your journey for you...  It's your journey, no one elses.  If you come across any psychic who claims to have all the answers or never be wrong, or to know better than you about what you should do, RUN far and fast from them.  We (psychics) are human and are never 100%.  A real psychic will always tell you that.  A good psychic is there to use their gift to help you by saying exactly and only what we see but ultimately it's then up to you and only you to decide what to do with that information. Ok... stepping off my soapbox...

Now back to you Tony... For the first time in quite some time, you are starting to take care of you and to figure out what Tony needs...that is a great thing.  Kids need their parents to be whole and to love themselves.  Not to be the shell of a person as you were becoming.  Your home life with your "pending ex," was... I want to say 'tensely silent.'  This in the long run would have had a much greater effect on "A," then changing the living situation.  Don't spend time guilting yourself about it or thinking you have ruined her life... I promise you haven't. The very fact that you wrote in about it shows how much you care.  Hey, if it's any consolation, my son was 4 when his dad and I divorced.  He's now 17 and an  amazing person.

Now "A" being a lil strong willed chatterbox, will tell you exactly what she feels and needs from you both.  You need only be concerned with what she tells you she needs from you.  Please don't make it your mission to get everyone on the same page.  Let their journeys be theirs.  Don't micro-manage

Your assignment (should you choose to accept it) as a parent is to listen and make sure that the time you spend with her is quality.  Be present when you are with her, she needs one parent who is and right now your ex seems a bit in her own world.  "A" has a big year coming up next year as she will be switching schools she will feel a bit uneasy about this at first and will need you to be solid and together.  You need to sleep more and your neck feels super tight so if a massage is in the budget... I highly recommend.  Also, let "A" be an active part in decorating her area (whether it be a separate room or a corner) in your home so she feels that it is as much her home as when she's with mom.  Music is also a great outlet for her so maybe pick up a karaoke machine for her birthday and let her sing her little heart out.  Please know that she will be fine as will you - btw...you get a gig in April - those were the exact words THEY wanted me to use.  THEY said you'd understand.  In the meantime my friend be well and keep up the good work. Listen up peeps - There is no black and white right way when it comes to parenting.  Kids don't come with manuals so we have to learn them because one size does not fit all.  I know people want to say that it's better when parents stay together but I can promise you that this statement isn't always true.  That's just opinion and judgement, but until been in your shoes, they can't speak from a place of knowing.    What is true however is that kids need us to be adults about things and leave the personal crap to the side.  Be present with them and enjoy them when you spend time with them.  Cherish them as individuals and LISTEN to what their needs are from you.  Make sure you are taking care of you and living your life because they can sense when you are not happy and it will affect them. Finally, all you can do is your best so don't pretend to be perfect to them.   Admit your mistakes and show them that it's not so much about the mistake but about the recovery.  Great luck to you brother.

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