I preface this post by first saying that I respect my relationships greatly with my friends and would NEVER violate their confidence so I asked "Mary" if I could blog our convo if i changed the names. She said absolutely because we both feel this happens a lot in relationships and that maybe her experience will help someone to save theirs. How un-selfish (another very sexy trait btw.) God I love my peeps!
An old friend of mine "Mary" just called me to say that her relationship (of a little less than a year) is now in jeopardy. "Mary" admitted that she "has kept herself out of her relationship" purposely in order to avoid being vulnerable. I asked her what she meant by "kept herself out" and she explained that she purposely doesn't invest her time or heart 100% in the relationship and excludes her girlfriend "Jane" from being totally in her life. "Do you love her?" I asked - I admit, I assumed she was going to say no if she was treating her that way, but she surprised me when she responded, "Oh my God yes, completely, that's why I did it, I always kept her on her toes, kept her wondering, so she wouldn't get bored. But instead it hurt her and now she's pulled away, shut down." "Can you blame her?" I asked. "No,not really," she said through tears. "But I think I've lost her now to someone else, and I don't want to."
As expected, someone else showed up who is willing to be in it with Jane 100%.
Ahhhh avoidance, a very unsafe safety. It's so ironic. We lock our hearts up so as not to get hurt. We've all been down that road before and swear, "I'm not getting hurt again. Now I'm in control I'm going to keep my heart safe, I'm gonna have all the power this time." Problem is though that you will never feel safe like that because what happens is that you either draw in people that, like you, avoid and have walls usually bigger than yours so you will spend your time chasing them, or you will push away people that genuinely just want to love you.
Listen up peeps - you can't have a partner if you aren't a partner, you can't be safe if you don't provide safety, you can't be loved if you don't love.
Like I told "Mary," Don't disillusion yourself to believe that by holding back in a relationship that you are secure and in control. The reality is that the person who is willing to love out loud, fearlessly and unrestricted (which by the way is totally sexy!) is really the secure one with the power and the one that will be ready for and will experience real love when it (and it always does) finds them. So do yourself a favor, if you're going to be in love, be IN love!
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